Moving beyond trauma response

For whatever reason I have been thinking a lot about where my head was some 15 years ago. I even (finally) found a word for it: hyper-independence.

Hyper-independence is a common trauma response in those of us who felt abandoned or alone early on. We integrate a sense of “I’m all alone anyway” into everything we do. We don’t delegate, we don’t ask for help, and we don’t believe there is help or support to be had.

I was there. I didn’t even question it. In fact, I low-key felt anyone who didn’t “know” they had to do it all on their own was delusional and probably a little bit dumb. You can judge, but the thing with trauma responses is that we adopt them because they work for us in some way. In my case, “knowing” that I was alone shielded me from feeling despair when I truly was.

And, as I have learned, it also kept me feeling (and being) alone for longer. Because if you don’t ask for help or let anyone close enough to see that you need it, it sort of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: people just leave you to do it all, as you predicted they would.

This is not rocket-science. But it felt like that when I first realized. It felt like a massive weight gone when I sensed the need for isolation lifting like a fog. It felt like I was flooded with love, when I noticed how truly interdependent we all are, even when we think we are alone.

Hyper-independence still sometimes rears its head. It’s like a kneejerk reaction whenever I have a clash with my spouse — which fortunately has always been rare. The first thing I think on those occasions is “I was right: I am all alone anyway.” And the more I feel like that, the more I push him away. I know this. He knows this. And this awareness is what helps us get beyond it.

The point here is that awareness doesn’t eliminate unhelpful reactions. But it can help us see them for what they are. And to me, yoga asana practice and meditation have been tools to become and stay aware. That, and therapy. And friends who have held on even as I drifted away.

I am so deeply grateful for all of this love. I am also part of it. Because we are all together. We are all one.