Resilience is many things

Human beings can get used to pretty much anything, good and bad. This is true both for the things we put into our bodies and for the things we put into our minds: think poisonous substances (e.g. alcohol) and well as poisonous thoughts (e.g. I am not enough). We gradually develop a tolerance and end up not noticing how much of each we integrate into our selves every day.

Thinking about it as poison, this is obviously not amazing.

But it is a type of resilience, the kind that is needed to stand straight in a crooked world. We can’t allow ourselves to feel our full reaction to unfair structures or terrible substances, every single time, because we’d get too overwhelmed and exhausted, and so we get used to them without knowing, gradually normalizing what shouldn’t be normal at all.

Don’t get me wrong: resilience is a good thing. We need to build it up. We need to support each other in having it. We need to build the emotional and physical muscle needed to be with each other and grow. We need to inoculate ourselves against some bacteria by injesting small amounts, or to viruses by getting vaccinated.

But sometimes enough is enough. There are some types of resilience no one should have to build, some intolerances that shouldn’t have to be tolerated. So how do we know the difference?

The short answer is, it depends.

But here are some pointers. Resilience isn’t about white-knuckling it through when we are exhausted. Resilience is the ability to acknowledge the need to rest. Resilience isn’t about ignoring injustices. Resilience is the ability to acknowledge when our boundaries and values have been violated, and say it.

Sometimes, we are showing our resilience most when we say no.