Sometimes, my body tells me to be selfish

Yesterday, I spent a good part of the day on a train, traveling back from visiting my adult child.

I was feeling pretty amazing as I got on the train. I had had a lovely morning, including a leisurely breakfast and chat with my child. I had reached the station relaxed, and had taken the time to fill up my water bottle, feeling good about not wasting any more plastic. As I got on the train, I found a window seat on the sea-side of the train with a large window without an annoying post in the middle (if you travel on Amtrak on the east coast a lot, you’ll know what I mean). I’d organized my things to allow space beside me for the expectedly full train, and was in plenty of time to log into my local volunteer training on Zoom as the train rolled out of Boston.

In short: I was in my zone.

And then the conductor asked me to move.

She wasn’t subtle about it either. She stood at my seat for a while, as I didn’t hear her talking to me at first — I was in my Zoom-meeting wearing a noise-cancelling headset. When I finally lifted one part, she appeared to be slightly annoyed. Would I mind moving to allow a mother and child to sit together, she asked. I felt anger rise. I was in a meeting. I had been organized. I liked my seat.

I said what I felt: I would mind, but I would do it. I then closed everyone out again to concentrate on my meeting as I started gathering my stuff. When I was done, she had moved on, and found a different solution. I could stay in my seat after all.

The emotional rollercoaster that followed was instructive and humbling. As I got on the train I’d felt good about myself and my engagement with others around me. I was volunteering, doing my bit for the environment, and spending time with friends and family. But with that one engagement I saw the limitations to this expansiveness: at that moment, my boundaries were clear. I felt them in my body. I wanted my seat, and I wanted to be in my meeting, undisturbed, even if it meant inconvenience to others.

I was sitting with that knowledge this morning. Turns out, sometimes what my body tells me is not in harmony with everyone around me. I need to be OK with that.