It’s raining again

Photo via Upsplash by @ewitsoe

On this my last Saturday in Berlin I had plans. I need to return my rental bike. I wanted to go swimming. I had picked out the perfect place for a picnic brunch. I wanted to stroll slowly, aimlessly, through midtown.

But I woke up to pouring rain. I check the weather app on my phone in disbelief. It says 0% precipitation. No rain expected. I look out the window. It is definitely raining. I know which one to trust.

I wish it were always this simple.

Even sitting here, staring at the beautiful life-giving rain, I can recall dozens of times, even recent times, where the written word says go, but my body feels something different. I shouldn’t need rest. I shouldn’t be hungry. I shouldn’t feel unsafe. And yet I do. In those cases, I have started more systematically trusting my body: if it says to eat, I do. If it says to rest, I relent. If it says, this situation is dodgy, I leave.

Though not always. Still, there are cases where I sense discomfort, but choose to trust the limited knowledge of apps, or newspapers, or so-called conventional wisdom. I know why. At the extreme end of this “wisdom” lay unconscious biases I cannot control. My body will react to untrue things, just like my mind does. This is where racism, sexism, transphobia, and all the other fears come from. But I am learning to distinguish between that type of kneejerk bodily reaction and the true, deep-down, impulse to love.

When I venture out this morning I will get wet, regardless of what the weather app says. I like knowing this, even as I know it is messing up my plans. Plans can change. Wet clothes can dry. Love is the constant.