Love is something else

The first time I got married (and there have been a few), I had several pre-ceremony conversations with the Lutheran minister assigned to the wedding. There were lots of divorces all around me, as well as marriages that by all accounts would have benefited from breaking up. A dearth of good relationship models, I suppose is what I am saying. And so I asked the minister how anyone can promise to love someone else until they die, when so manifestly most don’t.

His answer was rooted in pragmatism, compassion, and (secular) faith: all key components of a good relationship, romantic or not.

He said, you can’t promise to love someone until you die. But you can promise to treat them with compassion and respect for their humanity, even if you eventually have to break up. The promise bit, he said, is where faith comes in. You declare your belief that you will love that person forever, and your promise that even if you don’t, you’ll treat them with respect.

I have been thinking a lot about this recently. There are still a lot of divorces all around me, and many marriages that, from the outside, seem too painful to carry on. Folks who seem more intent on hurting or even harming ex-partners than on providing shelter for their kids. I am sitting with the weight of this judgement I am passing, breathing into the fact that no one ever knows what is going on in anyone else’s relationship.

So I am focusing on what I do know.

I know that it is up to adults to hold safe spaces for children, not the other way around. I know that pain can warp our sense of self and of others. I know from experience that anger can make you want to hurt whomever is closest, and that it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge that you are not really angry but rather tired, terrified, or sad.

But I also know that love is real, renewable, infinite. An energy-force that in the best of cases can hold conflict as a way of caring, of growth. And even in the worst, love can create the impetus for healthier boundaries.

Love is other than marriage and promises. Love is something else.