That little voice inside

About a week ago, I failed the road test for my US driver’s license.

I have had a license from Denmark since I was 19 years old, and just spent 2 months at home, driving regularly. But not having been through a driving school recently, I didn’t know exactly what they were looking for to pass the test in the United States. And so I failed.

Here’s the thing.

Immediately, as I read that word “FAIL” in large bold letters on the Department of Motor Vehicles website, I felt like a failure. Everywhere. I started thinking about all the things I thought I might have done, but didn’t. It wasn’t even just about the life-experiences that legit could be seen as failures (divorce, failing statistics my first year of college, getting rejected for a job). It was also about all the choices I could have made but didn’t. The times I held back because I was so afraid of failing, I didn’t even try.

That little voice in my head was unrelenting: you are a failure. Full stop.

I don’t really believe it, of course. Or maybe there is nothing “of course” about it. But I don’t. I live my life deliberately. I make choices. I accept the consequences. The longer I live, the more I know how to translate my values into life. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes something doesn’t work out. But I don’t think of those times as failures as much as ways to figure out what doesn’t work. Even with divorce, I have come to think of it as daring to believe in a relationship in the first place. The older I get, the more courageous I feel.

What surprised me, however, was the force of the little voice. The way it floored me. Its influence on my mood, for days. It is only because I have a daily meditation practice that I pulled myself out as fast as I did. And still it took days.

I passed the road test on the second try. And it was like a little cloud lifting. But I am going to have to sit with the knowledge that this little voice exists. Still. Maybe always. And I will keep trying to just follow my values and dare to fail.