When what I need to do is nothing

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about having made too many plans and committing to building in more spaciousness. Remember that?

Turns out, I didn’t.

It’s not so much that I overestimate my own energy — though I do that too — it’s that I want to do the best I can with the time I have, and while “the best I can” is a moving target, in my head it’s perpetually stuck at “full speed ahead.”

Here’s what I mean by that.

I believe that, to live consciously and fully, we have to show up 100% every day. That part doesn’t change. What changes is what “100%” looks like. For example, on some days, showing up 100% might mean taking a slow walk to the corner-deli and call it a day. On others, it might mean organizing my books by color or calling up a long-lost friend or grappling with a particularly thorny issue at work. On yet other days, it means sailing, sewing, doing the laundry, or cleaning out my room.

One hundred percent doesn’t mean moving fast or slow or in any specific direction. It means just that: showing up fully, with all we got, right now.

I know this. I just have a hard time accepting that, sometimes, my 100% means sleeping until my body is ready to let go of rest. On those days, showing up fully means working on having enough compassion with myself to know that I deserve rest.

This is also the work. I am sitting with that uncomfortable truth today.